Att bearbeta oläkta sår
av Eva Dillner
"Utan problem" kan man läsa i kontaktannonsernas kravlista. Vem är "utan problem"? Vem är så funtad att de inte har ett förflutet att bearbeta? Mitt svar är ingen. Människor "utan problem" existerar inte. Vi är ju här på jorden för att lära oss att vara människor. Jag ser oss som andliga varelser som inkarnerat i jordelivet för att uppleva allt vad det innebär, inklusive känslor och kroppar som inte är perfekta, taskiga barndomar, knepiga relationer på jobbet mm. Allt detta ger oss förutsättningar för själslig utveckling.
Alla du möter är sårade
Vem du än möter, så bär de på sitt förflutna, från detta livet och tidigare inkarnationer. När vi möter en ny människa, drar det ofta igång en möjlighet att bearbeta ett oläkt sår. Sällan inser vi att det är det gamla såret som fläkts upp av den nya vännen, utan tror det är fel på oss själva eller den andra. Men om vi kan stanna upp och känna efter och ställa några frågor:
•har jag upplevt den här känslan förut?
•påminner detta mig om något jag upplevt tidigare?
•känns detta mönster bekant?
•är min nya vän lik någon från mitt förflutna?
•är min reaktion i proportion till det som hänt just nu?
Då finns möjligheten att läka såret, i nutid. Så istället för att söka efter vänner som inte trycker på dina blåmärken, tacka för att det dykt upp en människa som kan hjälpa dig tömma sopsäcken med skräp från det förflutna.
I detta skede, och innan vi blivit så pass medvetna att vi inte bara reagerar på autopilot, händer det oftast att säcken töms över den nya vännen. I USA säger man "don't shoot the messenger" vilket betyder att man inte ska skjuta på budbäraren. Det är inte budbäraren som är problemet, det är ditt förflutna som spökar. Jag tror på terapi, att det är rätta stället att lösa upp knutarna och bli mer hel.
Jag är utbildad terapilärare, men skriver böcker i stället för att utbilda och certifiera terapeuter. Men jag har en vision om hur terapiutbildning borde se ut, i samstämmighet med det välkända kinesiska ordspråket:
"Ge människan en fisk och du kommer att ge honom mat för dagen. Lär honom fiska och du kommer att ge honom mat för livet."
Om man för samman människor i utvecklingsgrupper, med en välutbildad ledare som lärt sig gå in i sina egna processer och löst upp tillräckligt av sina sår för att kunna vara närvarande, kan vi skapa självgående och självläkande människor. Till slut kommer det att vara lika naturligt att ha ett behandlingsrum hemma som verkstad, hobbyrum, gym eller sauna.
De flesta som går nuvarande terapeututbildningar kommer aldrig att kunna försörja sig som terapeuter. Att enbart fokusera på att hjälpa andra löser inte upp dina egna sår. Många som går utbildningarna idag gör det redan för sin egen skull, för sin egen utveckling. En av de största fördelarna med att vara utbildad terapeut är möjligheten att kunna byta behandlingar med andra terapeuter och på så vis fördjupa sin förlösning.
Att byta med andra terapeuter har tagit mig längre än kurserna någonsin skulle ha gjort. När jag höll på med Shen-terapi bodde mina kollegor i andra länder. Vi träffades då en eller två veckor och bytte intensivt, samtidigt som vi bodde ihop. Utmärkt träning för att lära sig vara närvarande, ta ansvar för sina egna känslor och lära sig skilja på ditt och mitt. Vem är jag och vem är du, utan projicering. Man lär sig också prata om saker från en helt annan nivå.
Som jag ser det bör en utvecklingsgrupp träffas regelbundet under en längre tid. Detta för att skapa trygghet i processen och med varandra. Det tar tid att lära nya tekniker, man behöver varva teori och praktik och lära sig ge och ta emot. Man behöver repetera, integrera, fördjupa och inte minst ställa frågor. Ledaren är en del av processen och fortsätter att utvecklas. Ledaren är en jämlike som leder och lockar fram livsenergins naturliga flöde. Alltför många lärare går in i rollen som auktoritet och lägger energin på att eleverna ska lösa upp sitt, men i slutändan kan läraren bara ta dig så långt de själva vågar gå.
Du är perfekt som du är just nu
Visst kan vi förändra oss och växa. Men jag ville inflika att du duger som du är just nu. Ibland kan man få budskapet att man måste göra något eller uppfylla någons krav för att vara acceptabel. Att man inte är ok som man är just nu. Man tror att man måste man ändra på sig för att duga. Du är bra som du är.
Om du inte kan bejaka och älska dig själv som du är, om du inte är nöjd med dig själv, hur ska då någon annan kunna ge dig det?
Häromdagen hade jag hämtat hem tavlor jag målat som blivit inramade. Jag möblerade om på väggarna och satte upp mina nya alster. Där satt jag och beundrade mina verk och kände mig så lycklig med mig själv. Telefonen ringde och den vanliga frågan "vad gör du?" ställdes.
- Jag sitter här och känner mig jättenöjd med mig själv och beundrar mina nya tavlor, säger jag. Lite fniss i andra änden, som svensk ska man nog inte vara för självgod. Men det vill jag ändra på! Man får njuta om man är svensk, så det så!
Eva Dillner bodde trettio år i USA och skriver därför sina böcker på engelska. Första boken God put a Dream in my Heart - Handbook of Life Therapy handlar om livsterapi och hennes erfarenheter att hitta tillbaka till livet efter utbrändhet. Andra boken The Naked Truth - an exercise in therapeutic storytelling and the principles involved in becoming finally free är hennes egen terapeutiska berättelse. Bok nummer tre The Pathfinder Process - exploring the potential of organizations and relationshipsutforskar möjligheterna i relationer och organisationer. En fjärde bok är påbörjad, på svenska...
Utdrag från Eva Dillners bok The Naked Truth Truth - an exercise in therapeutic storytelling and the principles involved in becoming finally free:
I met June while I was studying to become an engineer at the University of Washington in Seattle. As there were very few women engineers, it was natural that we all got to know each other. In my freshman class there were eight of us. June was a year behind me. We were both active in the Society of Women Engineers.
Toward the end of my senior year, I needed to change my living situation. I was in a house with about four other people and it didn’t suit me. June was also looking to move so we teamed up to find an apartment we could share and was cheap to rent. Like all students we were used to quite spartan living.
She liked to cook - I’ve always had good luck finding splendid cooks to live with - and as domesticity wasn’t my suit I said great, I’ll be happy to clean. I don’t mind washing floors and cleaning bathrooms, anytime I get to slop water I am happy. After all, my moon is in Cancer. But I didn’t know that yet. June hated cleaning house so she was happy with the arrangement too.
I loved coming home to the smell of freshly baked bread. She made a wheat loaf that I loved, I could scarf half of it in one sitting, with butter melting on the still warm bread. And she was a good cook. I love to eat. I’ve been asked many times how I stay so thin. I’m really about average, neither fat nor thin. I always answer my diet plan is to indulge myself and never miss a meal. I do eat three meals a day, that way my body doesn’t have to go on starvation metabolism, it knows it is going to get fed. And I do exercise moderately. As I’ve got older, my body has softened and got a little rounder in places. The problem with most diet plans is that your body thinks you are starving and turns up the efficiency of your metabolism. The less you eat, the more efficient your metabolism gets. One of the best slogans I heard to combat the diet nonsense was you got to eat, you got to breathe and you got to move. I’ve forgotten the woman’s name who put it together. Another of her sayings that stuck with me is you wouldn’t dream of not putting gas in your car if you were going on a trip, why do you think your body is going to function without fuel? Very good point.
Years later, June had got out of touch with eating, gained a lot of weight, and no longer felt when she was hungry. She got a hold of a book explaining how and what to eat, whether she was hungry or not, at set times. She said this is how Eva eats. She always liked to watch me eat, I ate with gusto and really appreciated what was put in front of me. I’ve had others remark it’s rewarding to cook for me because I really appreciate their efforts.
But I remember one time I had said I wasn’t coming home for dinner, that I was staying at school for some reason. When I got home she was upset. Where had I been, she had had dinner ready and waited for me. She hadn’t heard I wasn’t going to be home. But it seemed to me she made rather a big deal out of it. Her hurt was like what a wife expresses to a husband, if you know what I mean. It took me many years to understand what all that was about.
Our apartment was on the ground floor. To get to the basement where the washing machine and storage area were, you had to go outside and down some stairs. I never liked going down into that basement. I always felt afraid. Our storage padlock kept being broken open, by whom and why was a mystery. Even stranger was that we kept finding extra underwear in the dryer when we went to retrieve our laundry. Black lace panties, sexy women’s underwear. It was weird and it felt creepy. One time I even felt like there was someone down there, I saw someone move out of the corner of my eye. I fled back upstairs in a jiffy.
About a month after we moved in, there were several women that disappeared without a trace from the University. While walking home a few blocks or abducted from their apartments. It was scary and weird. I had gone to High School with one of the women who disappeared. We were afraid to take evening classes and escorts were organized for any woman student who felt she wanted it. Later it turned out to be many women, who had been abducted by one of the biggest mass murderers in US history. When Ted Bundy was arrested, no-one could believe he was capable of such horrible deeds. He was every mother’s dream of a son-in-law. Well educated, well mannered, charming and good looking. He had been our neighbor, lived in the house behind us. One night June and I went over there, one of her civil engineering classmates lived there. Ted Bundy came in and we shook hands. He sure didn’t look like a murderer. You never can tell.
Most of the women he murdered looked alike. Long hair. I remarked to June, I’m glad I cut my hair last summer, or I am afraid I would be a target. My hair had been really long, down below my waist. I cut it quite short, in layers, in one go. Why do things halfway? A few months ago I was in Norway for trades . Just before I went to Norway I had been to get my hair cut. It was beyond shoulder length, I’d been patiently letting it grow out for several years. All of a sudden I had an urge to cut it. So I had it layered, but still long. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why.
During one of the sessions it became clear. I was back in the apartment, experiencing the fear of going down into that basement. I was really scared. And the realization hit me, that cutting my hair had saved my life. For some reason, now that I cut my hair, it surfaced a memory of another time I had cut my hair. It never ceases to amaze me how the body stores information and what little things trigger the memories of the past. I am convinced the person who broke into our storage and left sexy panties in our laundry was none other than Ted Bundy. Too close for comfort.
He also hung out at Lake Sammammish and would ask women to help him move a boat, he’d disguise himself, wear a cast on his arm etc. He’d use different names, like Chris.
I do remember meeting a guy named Chris at that very beach, but my parents wouldn’t let me date him because he was so much older. I was probably sixteen and he was twenty-one. I don’t know if it was the same man, but I have wondered.
June and I roomed together for little over a quarter, then she went off to a work study job in Bremerton. She ended up marrying the guy she rented from there and moved off to Australia and we lost touch for many years. I met Jeff, my ex-husband while June and I were roommates. She disliked him intensely.
By the time June and I reconnected it was 1985 and she lived in Carlsbad, California. I was still in the Puget Sound area. She came up because her brother was getting married. She called my folks to get my address. Since leaving Jeff I had an unlisted phone number, used a PO box and hardly ever gave out my home address.
That year in September we took a week long vacation at her parent’s lake cabin in Idaho. I’d just started seeing Steve then and we had lots to talk about. Later that month my brother got married in Ventura, California. June came to the wedding, she was a friend of the family and had actually dated my brother at one point. After the wedding we drove down to her house in Carlsbad. It’s where I learned to do the Carlsbad meander. We’d meander down to the coffee shop to have a leisurely breakfast, go to the office - June had her own consulting office - she’d work a little bit, then it was time for a coffee break with Sharon, who worked as an appraiser in the office complex, back to work, meander to lunch, perhaps saunter into the Mystical Dragon bookstore, work some more, take a walk on the beach, do some more work. Well I wasn’t there to work, I’d read a book or stare into space and veg out. I think I’m actually the one that coined the term “do the Carlsbad meander”.
June and Sharon introduced me to many metaphysical texts. I started reading Jane Roberts and the channeled Michael books by Chelsea Quinn Yarbro. There was a lot of interesting material in those books. We talked and talked about the meaning of life. We tried to figure out our roles by the Michael system, but weren’t successful. Years later I had a reading with Emily Baumbach, who easily identified me as a Scholar with a Priest Essence Twin, 5th level old soul with a goal of growth and chief feature of impatience. Yes, it really fit.
I had gone off to have a reading with Phoenix , a local medium and she suggested we do a moon ceremony as it was a full moon that night. Sharon and I were excited, but June flipped out. She didn’t want to go to the beach and do a moon ceremony and she got really upset at the idea that just Sharon and I would go off without her. I sat there in stunned silence as Sharon tried to talk sense into her. It ended with us not doing the ceremony to keep June happy. In later years we have laughed about how traumatic it was at the time and how now we would just tell her we were going to do it and she could come or not. Our friends always bring us what we need to grow, don’t they?
In the summer of 1988 June and I took a trip around Europe or as she referred to it “the stomach’s tour of Europe”. It’s true my favorite road sign is the crossed fork and spoon. As we are heading up into the Alps from Italy to Switzerland, we stop in the small village of Domodossola for lunch. We figure it may be our last chance for food before we get to the Simplon pass. Normally in the mornings June drove as she was more of a morning person. That morning I had arisen with great energy and was behind the wheel. Whatever possessed me to put on a purple silk short set I’ll never know, but any young woman who’s ever been to Italy knows that the exposure of a bit of leg gets the attention of the gents. As we are driving into this little town, June keeps saying the sign to the center is that way. I keep going the main road, something inside of me doesn’t want to go to the center of town. Then I see a restaurant on the left and stop the car. We get out, select a table outside and proceed to order our food. Another car stops and out bounces four young men, and I say to June I really fancy the guy in the striped shirt. He had the blackest hair, curly and there was something about his energy that really spoke to me. They sit down and converse in a language we can’t quite make out.
June is scared by my interest and makes it very clear she does not want to speak to these gents. She even has us switch seats as the smoke from my cigarette is bothering her (yes I used to be a smoker, it took me many tries to quit). In my new seat I can’t even see the boys. We hear them comment as our food comes. At the end of our meal, I go inside to the toilet. When I come back out I am surprised to find June in full conversation with the guy I had shown interest in. They are speaking in English. I’m confused. The man’s name is Stewart, he’s just turned 21 (I’m 35 at this point), he has the most gorgeous green eyes. He’s from Australia but was born in London of Portuguese parents. The other young men are his Portuguese cousins. He’s worked several jobs to save up enough money to travel around Europe for a year.
They want us to go with them down the coast of Italy. June declines, she’s scared. We get Stewart’s address in Australia. I have never seen him since, but have occasionally felt compelled to send him a letter. In Michael jargon he was probably my essence twin.
So what was really going on with June? Years later I started to put together the pieces. She was jealous of other people who wanted to be close to me. She had affairs with married men while being good friends with the wife, like she was wedging herself in between the couple. She told me she really wanted to make love to a woman and see what that was like and would I be so kind to be that woman? I declined. She set me up with her ex-boyfriend Phil, then came and crawled into bed with us. Phil faked sleep as he didn’t know what else to do. Yes, you may have guessed it, June was bisexual, but I’m not sure if she to this day has admitted it to herself.
As many of us, she had a lot of stuff bottled up inside. But she didn’t believe in therapists, she thought that’s what your friends were for. It’s one thing to be supportive of each other in difficult times, but when it comes to deeper issues I don’t think it’s reasonable to put that burden on your friends. After awhile it just gets too much and for the most part I think it’s an avoidance technique from really dealing with your issues.
In the spring of 1997 I went through Jane Hundley’s workshop on basic limiting thought and personal truth. It was a pivotal workshop. It changed fundamentally what I knew about myself. Until then I had known that God loved me. But I had not felt loved and safe from a human perspective, deep down in my cells. I cried a lot of deep releasing tears following that workshop. I didn’t want to be alone. I called June and went to spend a few days with her at another friend’s house. It was healing to walk in the rain, to be cleansed. In the night I was crying and June held me. She said you weren’t burped enough as a baby. Probably true. I told her I’d always been afraid to let her get close to me because I feared she would overstep the boundaries as I knew she was interested in more than a friendship with me. It was a relief to say it. I couldn’t have done it earlier.
After that I didn’t see much of June. The secret was out. The game was up. She knew there was no chance of there being anything more. I needed to let her go too. As long as she was in my life she would sabotage any relationship I’d try to have with a man, intentionally or not.
Eva Dillner bodde trettio år i USA och skriver därför sina böcker på engelska. Första boken God put a Dream in my Heart - Handbook of Life Therapy handlar om livsterapi och hennes erfarenheter att hitta tillbaka till livet efter utbrändhet. Andra boken The Naked Truth - an exercise in therapeutic storytelling and the principles involved in becoming finally free är hennes egen terapeutiska berättelse. Bok nummer tre The Pathfinder Process - exploring the potential of organizations and relationships utforskar möjligheterna i relationer och organisationer. En fjärde bok om mellanrummet är på gång 2006 From Z to A - navigating the space in-between. Mer information om Eva Dillner hittar du på www.divinedesign.nu.
Mer information om Eva Dillners böcker och kurser hittar du på www.divinedesign.nu
©2006 Eva Dillner